


When boys grow up

by mickeymouseno1



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bittersweet, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-04-23 17:30:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14337507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mickeymouseno1/pseuds/mickeymouseno1
Summary: When people grow old, they get wrinkles.One should get a good job when they grow up.And when boys grow up, they marry a nice girl.Kyungsoo's story of friendship, self-discovery, heartbreak... and love.





	When boys grow up

**Author's Note:**

> Written in one sitting and unedited. This is... a personal work, with thoughts and emotions that ultimately I'm glad to have written about, even if the end product isn't great.

When Kyungsoo was five years old, he asked his mum about her forehead wrinkles.

“Mum, why doesn’t my forehead have lines like yours?”

His mum laughed, smile reaching her eyes in the form of faint crows’ feet. She put down her knife, which she had been chopping onions with, and turned around to face Kyungsoo.

“Kyungsoo dear, you’re still a child. You only get wrinkles when you’re older.”

His dad walked in at that moment, having heard his wife’s laughter.

“What happened?”

“Kyungsoo here asked why he doesn’t have wrinkles.”

Kyungsoo’s dad also laughed. His forehead lines were more prominent than those of Kyungsoo’s mum. He walked up to Kyungsoo and ruffled his hair.

“When you get older, son. You’ll get older and you’ll have more than just wrinkles. You’ll grow up, you’ll have a nice job, and meet a nice girl, and you’ll grow old and get lots of wrinkles with her.”

“I can’t wait to have wrinkles like you!” Kyungsoo gushed.

His parents laughed again at their child’s statement.

****

When Kyungsoo was seven years old, he met Chanyeol for the first time. There was one word that described Chanyeol perfectly: _loud_. He was noisy, and made a lot of jokes, and yet, teachers never seemed to hate him. He had an aura to him: he liked to talk, but people loved listening to him at the same time. As Kyungsoo stared at him from the corner of the room,  watching the line of perfectly aligned teeth that appeared every time Chanyeol laughed, a single thought echoed in his mind.

_Chanyeol is so handsome._

Kyungsoo never approached Chanyeol in that month he spent at that school. One day, his father informed him they were moving to Seoul.

The loud, big-eared male became a distant memory.

****

When Kyungsoo was 13 years old, he entered high school. Having missed school orientation, he didn’t know anyone around him. He glanced around hopelessly as his classmates went off in their pre-formed friendship groups at lunchtime. For a couple of days, he had wandered aimlessly around the school grounds.

“Hey, do you want to join me for lunch?”

He turned away from a card game he had been watching from a distance to see a puppy-like face grinning at him.

“Umm…”

The stranger grinned at him. “You look kinda lost. You can join me and my friend. We’re sitting out there on the grass. I’m Baekhyun.”

“… I’m Kyungsoo.”

Baekhyun’s eyes crinkled even further. “Nice to meet you, Kyungsoo! I think we’ll be great friends!”

He took Kyungsoo’s hand and started to drag him towards the grassy area.

“Come on!”

Kyungsoo looked back at the card game again. Before Baekhyun pulled him away, he noticed a figure he hadn’t seen in years. The boy had grown up considerably, but Kyungsoo recognised the ears immediately.

“Something wrong?”

Kyungsoo turned to Baekhyun, who was waiting patiently for him to follow.

He shook his head.

****

“What do you want to be when you grow up, Kyungsoo?”

“Umm… I don’t know, Grandpa.”

“Well, make sure you get a nice job, and a nice wife, and some nice children too.”

Kyungsoo’s parents laughed.

“We’re not that old yet! Kyungsoo’s barely a teenager. He’s got much more important things to focus on right now, like school. Isn’t that right, Kyungsoo?”

Kyungsoo nodded and dutifully resumed eating his dinner.

“Ah, this kid, he never says anything. Don’t just nod.”

“Yes, Mum.”

****

Baekhyun’s other friend looked remarkably like him.

“I’m Taehyung.”

“You look like brothers.”

Kyungsoo bit his lip. He hadn’t meant to say that out loud. The two boys grinned, their mouths forming box-like shapes that resembled each other closely

“Baekhyun, I like him. So what kind of games do you like?”

Kyungsoo bit his lip again. None of his friends had ever played the same games as him. Not that the games required multiplayer anyway.

“Well, I like Animal Crossing, as well as Final Fantasy…” Kyungsoo waited for the usual look of confusion and false recognition.

“AHHH! YOU PLAY ANIMAL CROSSING?!” Baekhyun was jumping up and down vigorously.

Kyungsoo could only nod, shocked as he was.

“I’ll give you my memory card! Plug it into your GameCube! We can share towns!”

Taehyung laughed along. “Hey, don’t steal my best friend already. But… Final Fantasy VII is overrated.”

Kyungsoo’s eyes widened.

“Fight me. It’s the greatest game of our generation.”

****

Kyungsoo’s father woke up at 4am five days a week because he had early morning shifts at a café as a barista. Thus, having woken up his wife one time too many while getting ready for the day, he slept on a mattress in the living room. After a while, it became a routine, and the living room became a pseudo-bedroom.

On a Friday night, a 13-year-old Kyungsoo was lying on the mattress with his dad. Somehow, the topic had veered into _“the talk”_ territory.

“Kyungsoo, one day, you will meet a nice girl. You might like the way she looks, or the way she talks, or maybe the way she acts.”

“Really?” Kyungsoo asked. He latched onto his father’s words with wide-eyed enthusiasm.

“Yes. And one day, you might go on a date with her, and the two of you might want to do some things.”

“What kind of things?”

His father chuckled. “You’re still a bit young, Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo shook his head vigorously. “No, you can tell me, Dad.”

His father acquiesced. “Okay, well you might want to kiss her, and then… _touch_ her somewhere.”

Kyungsoo remained silent, willing his father to continue.

“And you might find that you get a bit excited down there too, Kyungsoo.”

“Huh?”

“You’re still too young, Kyungsoo. You’ll see one day.”

“Okay, Dad.”

****

The tiny friendship group of three gradually increased over the next few weeks.

First, there was Jongdae. Although Kyungsoo regularly visited Baekhyun’s house, and vice versa, to play Animal Crossing, he found that Baekhyun and Jongdae connected much more easily. The two were chaotic, fun-loving and loud. He inwardly sighed every time the two laughed about some new inside joke they’d concocted. But he pushed his feelings down. Jongdae was a good guy. He was kind, and treated Kyungsoo nicely.

Jongdae brought along Yixing. Yixing hung out with them half the time: the other days, he was hanging out with his friends on the track team. Kyungsoo didn’t have much of an opinion about Yixing, other than two observations: one, he was nice, and two, he was Chinese, so he occasionally struggled with communicating in Korean.

Junmyeon stumbled upon the group a few weeks later, when they were playing tag. He’d exuberantly asked to join in the game, and kept coming back each day. When Kyungsoo saw Junmyeon, he had this strange feeling that he’d seen the boy before, a long time ago. Junmyeon was the kind of student that sat at the front and answered every question asked by the teacher. At first, Kyungsoo found it annoying. What kind of teenager so enthusiastically participated in class, he wondered, as he sat at the very back of the room. But over time, he came to accept that Junmyeon was just genuinely enthusiastic about _everything_. He was interested in clubs and societies, and always seemed to have something on.

Jimin and Jongin were the last two additions to their group. Though they were young, Kyungsoo found himself becoming jealous of the pair. They’d found their passion in dancing, and could be found at the local studio on most afternoons. He thought back to discussions at home with his parents.

“All you need to worry about is getting good marks, Kyungsoo, okay?”

Kyungsoo wondered if he would find something he was truly passionate about.

****

When Kyungsoo was 14 years old, he talked to Chanyeol for the first time.

“Hey, I remember you!”

Kyungsoo had turned away from his locker with a jump.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I just… I think I remember you, we used to go to school together a long time ago, for like a month?”

Kyungsoo looked at the tall, big-eared boy.

“Yes, that’s right.”

“Awesome! I’m Chanyeol, I don’t know if you remember me.”

“I do.”

Chanyeol laughed awkwardly, one hand behind his head. “You don’t say much, do you?”

Kyungsoo blushed. “I guess not…”

Chanyeol’s eyes widened. “That’s okay! I didn’t mean anything by it! Just thought I’d say hi.”

Kyungsoo nodded.

“You should come sit with my friends sometime! I’ll make sure to save you a spot next to me.” He smiled at Kyungsoo then walked off.

Kyungsoo watched him leave, with a single thought in his mind.

_Chanyeol was still so handsome._

****

Kyungsoo had slowly been integrated into Chanyeol’s friendship group. This was ironic, considering that it had previously been what Baekhyun and Jongdae called “the tall squad.”

“They’re all ridiculously tall and good-looking,” Jimin had pouted.

Taehyung had pinched his cheek in response. “At least you’re a cute, short mochi.”

As it was, although the average height of the group had fallen drastically, Kyungsoo found himself part of a second friendship group, consisting of Chanyeol as well as some other tall guys: Jonghyun, Jiho, Taejoon, Kangwoo and Joohyuk. True to his word, Chanyeol had saved a spot for Kyungsoo right next to him. Kyungsoo always used the opportunity to move closer against Chanyeol’s warmth.

Kyungsoo was 15 years old when he felt an urge to wrap his arms around Chanyeol whenever he saw him. Chanyeol never protested and merely chuckled whenever Kyungsoo hugged him. It felt so right, soaking up every bit of warmth he could from his personal sun.

One day, he gushed about it to his mother.

“I really like hugging him.”

He thought his mother would laugh, maybe smile at his close friendship with Chanyeol. Instead, she paused, her lip turned downwards.

“How often do you hug him?”

“I hug him everyday!” Kyungsoo gushed, unaware of his mother’s growing distress.

“You shouldn’t do that so much, Kyungsoo. People might think you’re… gay or something.”

Kyungsoo scoffed. “What?! No, of course not! It’s just hugging!” He turned the other way and looked forward to wrapping his arms around Chanyeol again.

When he gushed about it to his friends, he was met with confused acceptance.

“… Aww, cute,” Baekhyun had said after an awkward silence. The topic was quickly changed.

****

“Oh my god, get off! You’re so fucking annoying!”

Kyungsoo found himself planted on the floor, having been shoved away from Chanyeol.

“What…?”

“Dude, you’ve been doing this for months now! I can’t handle it anymore!”

Chanyeol passed through the station gates with his friends while Kyungsoo stared blankly at the floor, willing his eyes to stop tearing up. He ignored the looks he received from the commuters passing by, and resolutely began picking up his belongings, which had been strewn all over the floor from Chanyeol’s shove.

“Kyungsoo!”

Jongin and Jimin had appeared, and were helping him to pick up his belongings.

“Are you alright?” Jongin asked. “We were about to go to the studio, when we saw…” Jimin nudged him at that moment, and looked at him pointedly.

Jongin coughed awkwardly. “Umm… are you okay, Kyungsoo?”

Kyungsoo watched as Chanyeol and his friends’ shadows disappeared into the distance.

“Everything’s fine.”

****

Kyungsoo’s parents showed their love through their dedication to his education. There was always plentiful food on the table, and they carried out most of the housework.

 _Everything’s fine_ , Kyungsoo would think to himself. _My parents work really hard so that I can be successful in the future._ It didn’t matter that they were often moody because of how tired they were from work. It was okay that they would sometimes lash out. They were just tired. They worked so hard for him, so he loved them so much. _Everything’s fine_ , Kyungsoo repeated to himself, as he shoved down the urge to cry.

****

Chanyeol had turned to ignoring him whenever they walked past each other in hallways. They no longer sat together in music class, and Chanyeol’s ‘tall squad’ couldn’t do anything except offer looks of pity that made Kyungsoo want to throw up his tuna sandwich.

He gave his sandwich to Jongin. Jongin needed the energy for dance practice anyway.

****

Baekhyun approached him with careful eyes one day.

“Hey, Kyungsoo… I think we should talk.”

Kyungsoo blanched. Whenever his parents wanted to talk, it was to point out something he’d done wrong, or something he needed to improve on.

“I know things didn’t work out so well with Chanyeol,” Baekhyun said.

Kyungsoo shook his head. “No, it’s okay. I was just being stupid.”

Baekhyun placed his hands on Kyungsoo’s shoulders. “Your feelings aren’t stupid, Kyungsoo. Even if they seem irrational, they’re still _there_. I don’t want you to just push them down.”

Kyungsoo frantically fought the urge to cry, and tried to smile. “It’s really okay, Baekhyun. I’m over it.”

He wasn’t sure if he appeared convincing enough, but Baekhyun seemed to decide not to pursue the subject any further.

“Look,” he sighed. “I know I haven’t been the best friend lately… how about we go out to eat together? Just the two of us?”

Kyungsoo nodded. “Okay.”

“What do you want to eat?”

“… Anything’s fine.”

****

“You don’t talk about Chanyeol anymore,” his mother had observed one day.

Kyungsoo felt the food in his mouth turn unbearably dry. He forced himself to swallow it before he answered.

“Oh, everything’s fine. We’re just not that close, Mum.”

“Hmm, okay. How’d your last math test go?”

“I got 98%.”

“Argh… what silly mistake did you do this time?”

“I accidentally copied down a number wong.”

“Hmm… well keep trying your hardest, Kyungsoo.”

“Yes, Mum.”

****

“Look, I’m sorry.”

Kyungsoo had raced out of music class as soon as the bell had run, eager to get away from Chanyeol. As he was rushing down the fire stairs, Chanyeol’s voice had reverberated down to him.

Kyungsoo paused.

“… I’m sorry, Kyungsoo. I know I hurt you, and I won’t offer any excuses for what I did.”

Kyungsoo felt his eyes tearing up.

“Kyungsoo, please. I’m sorry.”

He raced to the bottom of the stairs and slammed the door behind him before his brain told him otherwise.

****

Kyungsoo was 16 years old when he was forced to face Chanyeol for the first time in a year.

“For this music composition project, I have already sorted the class into pairs based on who I think will work best together.”

Kyungsoo blanched as he saw his name next to Chanyeol’s on the sheet.

Before Chanyeol could call out his name, Kyungsoo had already left the class.

“Maybe you could ask your teacher to re-assign you to someone else?” Baekhyun suggested.

Kyungsoo shook his head. “No, it’s okay. It’d be weird to ask that of the teacher, plus I don’t want her to know.”

“She’s your teacher, Kyungsoo. You can tell her you don’t want to work with Chanyeol because something happened. You don’t have to specify what it was.”

“No, it’s fine. I’ll talk to Chanyeol soon.”

Ultimately, he didn’t need to find Chanyeol, as Chanyeol had sought him out as soon as school ended.

“I know I’m the last person you want to work with, but I’d like to work with you, Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo gripped his backpack tightly. “Alright.”

Chanyeol offered him a tentative smile. “Alright.”

****

The project was a terrific disaster. Terrific, because they were indeed as compatible as their music teacher had thought, and were making great progress on their composition. A disaster, because Kyungsoo found himself wanting to hug Chanyeol and press into his warmth more than ever.

What made it worse, was that Chanyeol was so _nice_. It was like he’d accepted that he was completely at fault for whatever had happened between them, and was doing all he could to make Kyungsoo as comfortable as possible. Kyungsoo _hated_ it. Now that it’d been a year, he’d had time to think on his feelings for Chanyeol. And he’d dreaded the conclusion he’d stumbled upon.

 _I think I love Chanyeol_.

All Baekhyun could do that night, when Kyungsoo called him, was stay on the line as his heart broke for Kyungsoo, who, for the first time, blurted out the feelings he’d repressed for so long.

****

When Kyungsoo was 17 years old, he started seeing Yixing in a different light.

Yixing, being the athletic sportsman he was, had matured into an extremely good-looking, and _fit_ , person. His skin was perfectly clear, and he had a cute dimpled smile. Kyungsoo pinched at his belly, and sighed at his scarred skin as he looked in the mirror. Why couldn’t he be as handsome as Yixing? One day, he looked at Yixing, who glanced back at him. As their gazes connected, a single thought ran through his mind.

 _Shit, I like him_.

That wasn’t to say he’d gotten over Chanyeol. He was now close to Chanyeol again. He would occasionally join the “tall squad” and bask in sitting next to Chanyeol. But he’d already made peace with the fact that Chanyeol regarded him solely as a good friend. Chanyeol wasn’t ever going to like him back the way he wished.

So he jumped towards Yixing.

At first, he was unsure if he was reading Yixing wrong. After all, what if Yixing wasn’t even gay? But one day, his immature, lovestruck brain short circuited as he planted a quick kiss on Yixing’s soft cheek, and ran away before Yixing could even utter a noise of surprise.

While Kyungsoo sat in class, he felt giddy. He ignored the confused words in his mind that said that this was what he was meant to feel with a _girl_ , not a _boy_. The joy in his chest was overwhelming.

It only increased when Yixing returned the kiss later that afternoon and admitted that he’d liked Kyungsoo for some months.

Kyungsoo hid his grin when he returned home, and made sure not to say anything about it to his parents.

****

Yixing was _hot_ and Kyungsoo quickly realised that he wanted to explore what Yixing’s body was like underneath his clothes.

The first time he palmed Yixing, he was shocked to feel a hard bulge.

Yixing only shrugged. “You turn me on, Kyungsoo.”

It didn’t make sense to Kyungsoo. Yixing, the good-looking, athletic guy, was turned on by _him_?

The two of them raced through the stages of intimacy. The next day, Kyungsoo moaned as Yixing stroked him to completion. A few days later, Kyungsoo fought the urge to gag as he tasted the strange, but appealing, taste of Yixing flooding his mouth with come as he grabbed tightly at Kyungsoo’s hair.

Then, one day, when Kyungsoo’s parents weren’t home, he secretly invited Yixing over.

“Are you sure about this, Kyungsoo?”

“I want to do it with you, Yixing.”

“Me too, Kyungsoo.”

As Yixing opened him up and entered him, Kyungsoo almost laughed at the irony of doing this in his childhood bed. The five year old who’d asked about wrinkles had slept on the very same bed that he was now lying on, while Yixing moaned softly into his ear.

“Come for me, Kyungsoo.”

“I love you, Yixing.”

“I love you too.”

****

Kyungsoo’s heart raced as he held the other’s hands. They stared at the math problems while comfortably tangled in each other. He breathed in the other’s scent, and revelled in its earthy nature.

“Let’s get to work, Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol said.

Kyungsoo reluctantly let go of Chanyeol’s hands, ignoring the conflicting feelings in his chest. Yes, he was in a relationship with Yixing, but he loved being in class with Chanyeol. Chanyeol was an inherently touchy person. Whenever they sat together, they constantly brushed up against each other, and occasionally even held hands.

 _It’s not cheating_ , Kyungsoo thought to himself, _Chanyeol’s straight anyway_.

****

“Have you thought about studying Medicine, Kyungsoo?”

“Medicine is a wonderful degree, Kyungsoo. You should work towards it.”

“Yes, Dad.”

****

Kyungsoo was 18 years old when he and his friends graduated from high school.

“I can’t believe we’ll never see each other again!” Baekhyun and Jongdae bawled.

“You’re literally going to the same university, studying the same course,” Taehyung deadpanned, as he subtly tried to wipe away his tears.

The group groaned as Yixing kissed Kyungsoo gently on the lips.

“Promise we’ll keep in touch,” Kyungsoo said, once he’d gotten his breath back.

Yixing was going to China for a few months to visit family before he started university. Despite Baekhyun and Jongdae’s cries, everyone was going to universities around the same area (“But it won’t be the same!” Jongdae insisted), so it wasn’t a drastic change. Junmyeon was the only one who was truly leaving, going to the US to keep striving towards the great aspirations he had always had.

Kyungsoo saw Chanyeol with his group of friends on the other side of the hall and approached them. Chanyeol waved at him as he came closer.

“Hey.”

Chanyeol smiled at him.

“Congratulations.”

“You too,” Kyungsoo replied.

They stood there silently for a moment, until Chanyeol opened his arms.

“Come here.”

As Kyungsoo entered Chanyeol’s embrace, every feeling of attraction, anger, confusion, and most of all, love, came rushing out of his body. Before long, he found himself sobbing as he rested his head on Chanyeol’s solid chest.

“We’re not even going to different universities, Kyungsoo. Are you really going to miss me that much?”

Kyungsoo couldn’t give a truthful answer to Chanyeol’s innocent question.

Neither of them noticed Yixing’s thoughtful eyes watching Kyungsoo cry as he hugged Chanyeol.

****

_Text me when you can!_

_Have you arrived safely?_

_I’m… fine over here!_

_I’m sure you’re busy. Everything going okay?_

_Yixing?_

Kyungsoo blankly stared at the one-sided messages on his screen.

_Yixing, why aren’t you replying to my messages?_

One week later, Kyungsoo cried himself to sleep.

_Yixing, I can’t do this. I’m sorry. I’m breaking up with you._

****

When Kyungsoo was 20 years old, he found out that Chanyeol had been dating someone for a year.

“Her name’s Tiffany,” Baekhyun said. His tone was light but his eyes were analysing Kyungsoo.

“Oh? Cool.”

They stalked the girl’s Facebook account. There wasn’t much on her timeline, apart from the occasional couple selfie from what looked like dates.

“She’s cute. They look good together.”

“Kyungsoo…”

Kyungsoo shook his head. “No, it’s okay. Any feelings I had for him were a long time ago. Besides, they were never going to be returned anyway.” He wiggled his eyebrows at Baekhyun. “And how about you? Any action in your life recently?”

To his surprise, Baekhyun began to blush furiously.

Kyungsoo gasped. “No way! Who is it?”

As Baekhyun waxed lyrical about the angel that was Kim Taeyeon, Kyungsoo’s feeling of rejection was pushed down and forgotten.

****

When Kyungsoo was 21 years old, he was eating out with his high school friends, and by chance, Yixing happened to enter the same restaurant. An awkward silence fell across the group, especially when they noticed Yixing holding hands with a girl.

“Umm, hey Kyungsoo. Hey everyone. This is… Song Qian. You can call her Victoria.”

There was a chorus of hellos, and another awkward silence.

“Why don’t you join us?” Junmyeon offered, as the person always seeking to make everyone get along.

Yixing and his girlfriend hesitated before sitting down opposite Kyungsoo. Yixing offered him a tight smile. Kyungsoo looked the other way, and focussed on Baekhyun’s steady hand on his arm.

“So how long have you two been dating?” Junmyeon asked.

Yixing coughed awkwardly.

“Oh, nearly 3 years! We met when he came to China!” Victoria gushed, unaware of the tense atmosphere.

Meanwhile, Kyungsoo suddenly felt the urge to throw up as the gears in his mind turned.

_Yixing and Victoria met right after high school ended._

“Kyungsoo, let me explain…”

Kyungsoo abruptly got up out of his seat and left the restaurant. No one protested while Baekhyun, offering vague apologies to Victoria, rushed after Kyungsoo.

“You’re not going after him?” Junmyeon asked. Everyone looked at Junmyeon in surprise. He’d never been one to actively call out anyone.

At Yixing’s silence, he scoffed. “I’m disappointed.”

****

When Kyungsoo was 25 years old, he received an elegant letter in the mail.

His hands shaking, he opened it.

_Together with their families_

_Hwang Miyoung_

_&_

_Park Chanyeol_

_Invite you to their wedding._

His phone began to ring immediately.

“Kyungsoo!” Baekhyun’s concerned voice filtered through the speakers.

“Why are you calling me?” Kyungsoo questioned.

“You got the invitation right?”

“Yeah, I’m so happy for them.”

“Kyungsoo…”

“Please Baekhyun, I really am happy for them. They’re perfect for each other.”

Three months later, as he watched a grinning Chanyeol gently lean in to kiss a smiling Tiffany, he took solace in the fact that Chanyeol looked so handsome and so, so happy.

He ignored the one voice in his heart that questioned why he couldn’t be that happy too.

****

Kyungsoo was 34 years old when he held Chanyeol’s life in his hands.

“34 year old male, involved in head-on collision with semi-trailer. Critical condition. Patient is going into hypovolaemic shock due to severe loss of blood. Multiple fractures and likely concussion.”

His hands shook violently as he attempted to literally cut Chanyeol open.

“Kyungsoo, focus.”

Kyungsoo held his breath as Chanyeol continued to bleed out in front of him.

****

Kyungsoo awoke to the feeling of a gentle hand stroking his head. He wearily blinked his eyes open to see a bandaged Chanyeol looking down at him fondly. He realised he had been sleeping with his head on Chanyeol’s abdomen, and startled immediately.

“Chanyeol! You’re awake!” He was so relieved he almost leaned in to hug Chanyeol before he remembered to pull back.

Chanyeol winked at him. “I heard a cute, smart doctor saved me.”

Even though it had been nearly 10 years since Chanyeol’s wedding, Kyungsoo still found himself stuttering slightly at Chanyeol’s statement.

“Oh, stop flirting with the doctor,” a female voice cheerfully cut into the conversation.

Kyungsoo turned to see Tiffany sitting on the other side of Chanyeol’s bed. Her face looked haggard, and her eyeshadow had run down her face, but she smiled at him warmly.

“I heard you were the one who saved Chanyeol. Thank you so much.”

Kyungsoo fought down the simmering of jealousy that arose within him. Tiffany truly loved Chanyeol. The fear and exhaustion on her face was a testament to that fact. And as Chanyeol looked back at her with adoration, Kyungsoo reminded himself why he’d run away all those years ago.

****

_2 hours after the wedding._

“What do you mean, you’re leaving the country? As in a holiday? When are you coming back?”

“I just need a break. Some time to myself. I don’t know when I’ll be back.”

“Why?”

“I’m tired, Baekhyun.”

“Then just take a week off work. Catch up on some sleep. I know you need it.”

“No, Baekhyun. I’m tired. I’m so, so tired, and I don’t know if I want to wake up again when I go to sleep.”

“…”

“Please.”

“You better fucking stay in contact with me.”

Kyungsoo wiped at his eyes. “I promise.”

****

Junmyeon had graciously accepted to let Kyungsoo crash at his house in the US, without telling anyone else about their arrangement. As Kyungsoo wandered around Junmyeon’s house, he felt a sense of longing for the atmosphere of domesticity that permeated the home.

As he saw a photo of Junmyeon and a tall Chinese guy (“Yifan,” Junmyeon had said, with a slight glaze to his eyes), he thought about his own life. Where was his home? Would he ever find it?

****

“I haven’t seen you in nearly 10 years, Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo paused writing notes. “I… did some travelling.”

Chanyeol stared at him with wide, sincere eyes. “You never told me where you went. Or how you were going.”

“… I didn’t think it mattered.”

Chanyeol huffed in frustration. “Of course it matters! How can you say that when I…”

Kyungsoo stared directly at Chanyeol. “When you…?”

“… when I care about you,” Chanyeol finished. “I thought we were close friends!”

The wave of long-hidden feelings of frustration seeped through. “We’re just friends, Chanyeol. I don’t need to tell you everything about my life.”

Chanyeol glanced at him with hurt eyes. “Kyungsoo…”

Kyungsoo ran away, yet again.

****

Kyungsoo tapped impatiently on the wooden table. He could see the waiter staring at him, waiting for him to order.

“Sorry I’m late!”

Tiffany plopped into the seat opposite him.

“Have you ordered yet?”

“No.”

“Alright, I’ll order for you.” She got up again, and moved towards the counter, where the waiter had been waiting impatiently too.

“Why did you want to meet with me?” Kyungsoo asked, once Tiffany had returned to their table, and their drinks had arrived.

Tiffany swirled the froth on her coffee with a spoon, as if contemplating what to say.

“Chanyeol’s been… distant lately. It seems like there’s something on his mind all the time. He’s been like that ever since the accident. I guess I’m worried about him.”

“What do you mean?”

Tiffany looked up from her coffee and gave him an unnaturally serious look. “I don’t mean to be rude, but… I think it has something to do with you.”

Kyungsoo almost gasped in surprise. “Huh?”

“It’s like he’s stumbled across something he’d never realised before.”

Kyungsoo scrambled to reassure the woman. “I’m sure it’s just the trauma of the accident.”

Tiffany scrunched. “I guess…”

****

“Why are you asking me this, Chanyeol?” Baekhyun asked tiredly, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. He’d just finished a late-night shift and had barely gotten into bed.

“I’m sorry. I just… thought you’d be the best person to ask about this.”

Baekhyun sighed. _I’m sorry, Kyungsoo_.

“Kyungsoo has loved you for a really long time now.”

“…How long?”

“Too long to even count, Chanyeol.” He settled deeper into bed, and against the half-awake woman beside him who hummed sleepily. “Kyungsoo’s been through a lot. I hope you’re not just asking this lightly.”

“… Of course not. Thanks, Baekhyun.”

As Baekhyun hung up and flung his phone away (he couldn’t care less at this point where it went), Taeyeon mumbled, “Who was that?”

Baekhyun smiled brokenly. “It’s complicated. I’ll tell you about it in the morning.”

****

Tiffany was daintily sipping on her coffee when Chanyeol burst into the café.

“Oh! It’s you two!” Chanyeol sounded oddly out of breath.

“Chanyeol? Should you even be walking around right now?” Kyungsoo asked worriedly.

“No, it’s alright. Plus, I have something to say to both of you.”

Kyungsoo noticed that Tiffany’s hand trembled slightly as she set down her cup. “Oh?”

Chanyeol seated himself at the table.

He took a deep breath and faced Kyungsoo.

“I’ve apologised to you quite a few times in my life, but… this time, I think I finally know what I’m apologising for.”

Kyungsoo felt a pit of dread in his stomach. He never thought he would have to have this conversation, especially not with Chanyeol’s _wife_ present as well.

He tried to delay the inevitable. “What do you mean?”

Chanyeol took Kyungsoo’s hand into his, and rubbed it gently. “I’m so sorry, Kyungsoo, that it took me so long to say this. I love you.”

In the corner of his eye, he noticed that Tiffany flinched, but right now, his world was zeroed in on Chanyeol.

“I think I always knew that you liked me a lot more than just as a friend, but I was scared of the implications. So I’m sorry that I made you hurt so much, Kyungsoo. Gosh, I’m sorry you had to sit through my wedding. And…”

He delivered the final blow.

“I’m sorry that I can’t love you back the way you love me.”

Kyungsoo frantically shook his head. “No, no, everything’s fine. It’s okay.”

Chanyeol smiled at him sympathetically. “No, it’s not okay. And I’m sorry, Kyungsoo.”

He turned to face Tiffany. “I’m sorry I hid this from you.”

Tiffany shook her head. “I’m a bit… upset, but I’m glad you’re resolving this. Our ten-year anniversary is coming up soon. I’d… like you to be there.”

Kyungsoo glanced up at her. She only smiled back.

“You’re important to Chanyeol. We can’t deny that, can we?”

“Kyungsoo?”

Kyungsoo stared at the table. All his life, he’d been forced to repress everything he was feeling. And now, the man he’d been in love with for so long was now dragging it all out into the open. For once, he decided to be brave.

“Alright. Chanyeol, I loved you, I still do. All these years, it’s always been you.”

Even as Kyungsoo felt his heart break, he knew that he would never fall out of love with Chanyeol.

But it’s an acceptance, because Chanyeol would always be one of his closest friends, a brother, a platonic soulmate. But never his lover.

“I’m so sorry,” Chanyeol repeated.

“No,” Kyungsoo told him. Even though his heart was breaking, he was able to smile at Chanyeol. “Stop frowning at me. You’ll only get more wrinkles.”

Chanyeol let go of Kyungsoo’s hand for the last time.

****

_20 years ago_

“Dude, you’ve been doing this for months now! I can’t handle it anymore!”

Chanyeol shoved down his guilt as he walked away from Kyungsoo.

 _Boys grow up to marry nice girls_ , his dad had said.

Kyungsoo’s hugs almost made him think his dad was wrong.

But how could that be?

…Right?


End file.
